A Very Wookie Christmas

[snarkyman]

I originally got this either from an email or from someone posting on Slashdot in December 1999.

http://www.teleport-city.com/movies/reviews/bizarro/starwars.html

STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL
1978, United States. Starring Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Peter Mayhew, Art Carney, Bea Arthur, Jefferson Airplane. Directed by Steve Binder.

Review by Keith Allison

A lot of people my age have vague memories of a Star Wars holiday specialback from some time in the 1970s, but beyond that their memories go blurry. Maybe they recall it had something or other to do with wookies, but specifics are difficult to drag up from the recesses of the mind -- and not without good reason. In my circle of friends, it was referred to simply as A Very Wookie Christmas, and the search for a copy was nearly as furious as our search for a copy of Bruce Lee Versus Gay Power and Cleopatra Wong, featuring that sexy Asian girl dressed up as a sawed-off-shotgun toting nun. Yep, those are things for which we live. Well, we're not even convinced Bruce Lee Versus Gay Power actually exists, and we've since found both Cleopatra Wong (still looking for that sequel, though!) and the Star Wars Holiday Special. When it comes to the Star Wars Holiday Special, I can firmly state that we're very happy to finally have a copy of Cleopatra Wong.

For so long, the Star Wars Holiday Special eluded us. It seems that some secret conspiracy was working to erase any and all memory of the show's existence, so much to the point that even people who knew they remembered began to wonder if I wasn't just planting that memory in their brain. And in fact, the conspiracy theory was partially true. George Lucas, the man behind the Star Wars phenomenon, refused to acknowledge the existence of the special. When it was brought up, he would suddenly become aloof and pissy, sort of like whenever anyone mentions Forever Monaco to Jean-Claude Van Damme. It was his first movie role, and he had a small part as a knee-squeezing gay kickboxer in a little sportscar. Although George Lucas has, to my knowledge, very little experience with gay kickboxers, he did once state in an interview that he wishes he could track down and destroy every last copy of the Holiday Special, which isn't that great a condemnation of the special itself, considering this is the same man who wants to track down and destroy every last copy of the original version of Star Wars before he added all the digital effects, extra jawas, and made Greedo shoot first.

Perhaps as part of the fervor surrounding the tremendously disappointing Phantom Menace, in 1999 the Holiday Special -- in it's own right very much a phantom menace to Lucas himself -- finally emerged. Someone out there had it on tape, complete with old commercials intact, and within mere weeks copies of the thing propagated across all the underground film channels. The Holiday Special, like the Jedi, had returned. Hundreds of us finally got to sit down once again and see why we'd labored so hard to forget it all.

The show aired on November 17th as part of the Thanksgiving season, which is more or less the kick-off for Christmas. As Scott noted in his review of Mad Monster Party, the 1970s were a time during which the branches of network television were positively dripping with the overripe fruit of holiday specials. There were the weird "furmation" Rankin-Bass things about Rudolph and big-eared Baby New Year, and Jack Frost kicking Frosty's ass, and then there were the variety specials. You kids who weren't around in the 1970s should be thankful for the demise of variety hour type programming like The Sonny and Cher Show or Captain and Tenille: bad disco jumpsuits, bad disco music, and the most hideous comedy sketches imaginable, usually involving Tim Conway in some capacity.

During the holiday season, there would be a glut of Christmas-themed specials which consisted mostly of Donnie and Marie Osmond singing, then acting surprised when special guest stars stopped by for a visit. "Who could be at the door on Christmas Eve? Why, it's Tim Conway!" followed by the requisite applause being piped in. As sprouts, we'd have to suffer through this banal bullshit in hope of perhaps catching that Charlie Brown special. Remember, this was before America's disillusionment with holidays and before A Christmas Story was played 24 hours a day for two weeks straight on eleven different channels. Instead, they played It's a Wonderful Life. Do ya...do ya know me, Burt!

When we caught wind of there being a Star Wars holiday special, the children of America wept sweet, sweet tears of joy, which George Lucas actually harvested and turned into money. The prospect of spending the holidays with the cast of Star Wars was overwhelmingly wonderful. Finally, instead of David Madden, Alan Sues, or Henry Gibson dropping by for a visit, it would be Walrusman or that Imperial guy with the big muttonchop sideburns. So it was with giddy anticipation that I sat down in front of the television set with my friends Roman and Mandy to watch the wild holiday exploits of Chewbacca, Luke, Han Solo, and that foxy Princess Leia.

Plus, it would answer a question I've had since I first saw Star Wars: what do they do when they're not, you know, star warring? Is Darth Vader's average day spent filling out paperwork, doing photo ops, and dealing with new zoning laws? I mean, the guy has an empire to run. What about storm troopers? I mean, these are just regular guys, for the most part. One of my favorite parts in Star Wars is where two storm troopers on guard are just standing around bullshitting about some new car. How come in space, no one has television? In Star Trek, it's because they'd all rather get together and read poetry or listen to Data's violin recital. Ugh. Screw that. Surely Han Solo enjoys kicking back and seeing what's on TV once in a while. But mostly I wanted to see Darth Vader decorating a Christmas Tree and going, "WHo could that be at my airlock door? Why, it's that guy with the big long nose who ratted out Han Solo at the cantina!"

Well, the holiday special would answer all our questions in excrutiating detail about what Star Wars people do when they're not shooting blasters and posing for action figures. I can remember only two times in my childhood when I was pissed beyond the capacity for rational thought. The first was after finally getting Pac-Man for the Atari 2600. I waited for months, and that game was so pathetic that I wanted to reach into the TV and choke the life out of that pellet-eating piece of crap. The other incident was watching this special.

It's all about Chewbacca's struggle to return to the wookie home planet, named Rouflumpplofrum or some such wookie name. So, that sounds okay, right? Only it's not about Chewbacca at all. Almost the entire two hours of the special focuses on Chewie's family. There's his wife Molla, who is worried that her husband won't make it back in time for Life Day, the most scared of all wookie holidays, sort of like Guy Fawkes Day. There is Itchy, Chewbacca's father. You remember that ugly orangutan monster from Big Trouble in Little China? Well, he looks like that. Itchy is one ugly dude, and if this is any indication of how wookies age, Chewbacca might as well off himself right now.

And then there is Lumpy, Chewbacca's son who looks like that annoying little brat from Eight is Enough. I swear! Look at his picture! It looks just like him, only with a little more facial hair.

 

While they wait for Chewbacca to get home from his life of running guns and breaking the law (Chewbacca really isn't a very good role model, not to mention the fact that he's never around for his kids), they amuse themselves in all sorts of ways. Molla frets in the kitchen and watches a really long cooking. Itchy watches a little wookie porn. Yeah, you heard me. Wookie porn is pretty lame, even by porn standards. It's a hologram of a scantily clad human woman wriggling around and giving the usual phone sex phrases. Pretty risque for a family show. I don't know why wookies want porn of humans, other than who watching this holiday special would want to see a hairy wookie writhing around in a teddy? Well, okay, who besides the people who read this website? But it sort of works, I guess. After all, there were rumors that part of the reason Han Solo knew so much about wookies was because he was married to one. So if Han can dig a wookie, I guess certain wookies can enjoy watching a hairless pink lady with feathered 1970s hair dry hump a couch of a the future. That Itchy does this right in front of his family is what's more disturbing. Lumpy innocently plays with his stuffed bantha. Lord knows what Itchy would do if he got a hold of the thing.

Keep in mind that the entire show, which up until now seems to have been about fifteen hours long, has been performed in wookie, with lots of lame community theater arm-waving and pantomime. In order to inject some English into the special, the Chewie family (I thought Lumpy and Itchy were stupid names until I remembered he's called Chewie) is visited by their old friend. Who could that be at the door on Life Day Eve? Why, it's Art Carney! Weak applause. And I'm guessing they are the Chewbacca family. I really don't know what their last name is. It could be Chewbacca Jones for all I know, and in his youth, Chewbacca Jones had a sweet, perfectly spherical afro and did kungfu. Well, he couldn't have been that cool if his best friend after Han Solo is Art Carney. That's actually just as lame a guest appearance as Dave Madden and not nearly as satisfying as if it had just been Sammy Davis Jr.

Art Carney hangs with the Chewies and brings li'l Lumpy a hologram of some weird Cirque du Soliel meets The Moomenshontz sort of thing. So for about ten minutes we get to watch people dressed as chickens do flips and swing around on a trapeze, all shot in over-saturated translucent "hologram" style. Jeez, no wonder Chewbacca deserted his family. The wookie home planet sucks, and I'm beginning to think wookies suck, too. I always thought Chewbacca was cool, but not only is he a deadbeat dad, but other wookies enjoy softcore porn and pantomime. I always figured wookies would get rowdy and play polo with the heads of their enemies like in The Man Who Would Be King. If what we see from Chewie's family is any indication of wookie civilization as a whole, then it's no wonder The Empire conquered them so easily. By comparison, even Ewoks seem fierce, and I'm beginning to think that the whole thing about wookies pulling people's arms out of their socket is just a front. They seem more likely to take you off to the side and explain to you, possibly through some sort of modern theater performance, how you're really hurting their feelings. Maybe wookies don't have all that hair because they're wild, mighty beasts; maybe they're just a bunch of pretentious hippies. I mean, Chewbacca did carry a laser gun shaped like a crossbow, so it's a safe bet he was probably into Renaissance Festivals.

To remind us that we are in the Star Wars universe, we occasionally cut to Han Solo and Chewbacca aboard the Millenium Falcon trying desperately to outrun stock footage of star destroyers.

Molla places a call (did she use 1-800-CALLATT?) to Luke Skywalker, who she apparently caught indulging in his secret life as a drag queen. He has eyeliner on thick as Dr. Frank Furter. Luke tries to cover for himself by pretending to work with R2-D2 on his little space ship engine, which is sitting out on blocks. Thus Luke becomes much like the white trash guy in my old neighborhood, who had the engine for his Mustang sitting on blocks in the front yard while he worked on for what seemed like years. I guess Luke is from a small rural planet, so it only makes sense.

Luke can magically understand wookie and reassures Molla that Han and Chewie are probably just dead drunk with a couple of three-breasted hookers in some space cantina. Well, maybe not that exactly, but he does blow off her arm-waving concern and returns to breaking the space ship. Of note is the fact that R2-D2 actually has a little robotic hand that he uses to hold his space screwdriver. You'd think with all the gadgets that pop out of R2, he'd have a screwdriver and wouldn't have to hold one. But then, if he's a type of robot who frequently interacts with humans, you'd also figure they'd build him to speak some English.

From time to time, storm troopers also stop by to hassle the Chewies and see if they can find Chewbacca, who is a wanted fugitive. Luckily, Art Carney wows them with another little hologram, this one of the band Jefferson Starship. So we get another five minute guest performance as the band, dressed like gay space harlequins, performs some droning song (even more so than their usual stuff) that is apparently a big hit with storm troopers.

Itchy, in the meantime, watches cartoons, which are for some reason about Luke, Solo, and the rest of the gang. The cartoon, which is drawn in a weird style that reminds me of some of the stuff in Heavy Metal magazine, though not the sexy naked Guido Crepax stuff, is notable only because it introduces the character of Boba Fett. All in all, you have to wonder about The Empire. Can they really be so bad if they allow people to braodcast animated features about the sworn enemies of the government? I mean, if they were as evil as we're supposed to find them, they would have made everyone watch Gran Moff Tarkin explaining the benefits of big sideburns on Imperial officers.

Then what? Well, you were probably thinking, "This all sounds really good, but what we really need is a rousing cabaret number with Golden Girl Bea Arthur." Well, you got it, buddy! Cut to Tatooine and the famous Cantina at Mos Eisley space port. Bartender Bea Arthur rips into a rousing torch song with the cantina regulars, who may be wretched scum and villains but are still way into cabaret acts and vaudeville. I'm guessing the dolled-up Luke Skywalker we saw earlier would be into this. Maybe that's just the way things are on Tatooine, a planet colonized by a race of Joel Grays from the film Cabaret. I can just see Uncle Owen dressed in fishnets and leather dancing around with naked Jawas going, "Zee Cabaret!"

And for that matter, these scum and villains do a lot of hugging and back patting and misty-eyed looking off into the distance while talking about how times just aren't simple anymore, and sometimes we have to bid farewell to fond friends and memories. I know bad guys can get nostalgic and do soul-searching sometimes, but do we really need to see Greedo knocking one back and going, "Yeah, I used to be somebody."

So after an endless parade of wookie cooking, wookie porn, Bea Arthur musical numbers, Jefferson Starship, holograms of clowns, and wookie arm waving, Chewbacca finally gets his ass home, which allows Han Solo to hug a lot of wookies, making me think that maybe the thing about Han's wookie wife might be true. But wait! Who could be knocking on the door on Life Day Eve? Why, it's Luke Skywalker, who apparently flew at super hyper warp speed from his trailer park to be at Life Day. Because there's nothing humans love more than wookie holidays, sort of like how Muslims all over the world can't wait to celebrate Chanukkah. And here's Princess Leia looking all whacked out on space cocaine. And C3PO! Oh happy day! Oh happy Life Day!

Life Day consists of a bunch of wookies loitering at a tree for about five minutes while Princess Leia -- sexy Carrie Fisher herself -- belts out a song set to the tune of the Star Wars theme. This reminds me of that Saturday Night Live skit where Bill Murray sings the Star Wars lounge song. The only real difference is that Carrie Fisher performs with glazed eyes anda stare far more distant than even the one Luke used when he gazed off with yearning for adventure at the two setting suns in the desert skies of Tattoine.

I know, I know. It sounds funny, but wookie sit-coms can only go so far. How long can we watch Molla in the kitchen? Apparently, not long enough for the writers, who keep us in there forever watching her mix wookie pancakes and make phone calls.

Pretty much everyone considers this a black eye on the handsome face of the Star Wars franchise, though I at least enjoyed it more than Phantom Menace. In fact, given the bruising that the franchise has endured with two atrocious prequel films and George Lucas' refusal to ever release the original three films on DVD without his latter-day digital tinkering and emasculating (by God, Han Solo should shoot first!), The Star Wars Holiday Special is fast becoming among the least embarassing of the growing number of Star Wars foibles.

What I find most amusing about this holiday special isn't that it's done like a typical holiday special, only with wookies, but that the entire cast of Star Wars thought it was cool. I mean, they must have read the script. Surely they knew. But no, even respectable Harrison Ford read "Bea Arthur launches into a rousing cabaret tune, then hugs one of those Greedo looking things." He read that and nodded and went, "Yes, this rocks!" I mean, we can expect this sort of thing from Mark Hamill. After all, he made Corvette Summer. And Carrie Fisher, ahh the lovely Carrie Fisher, probably harbored childhood dreams of being a singer, so she could live those out be being in this heart-warming special. Plus, it's likely she didn't even know who or where she was at the time. But what was Harrison Ford thinking? I mean, even back then he'd already done more quality work than the entire cast combined except for Peter Cushing. But here he is, feeling up every wookie within reach.

This review maybe makes it sound like it's so bad it's good, and in some ways, I guess it is, but in most other ways, it's sort of like putting live hornets in your ass. Now we know why we all blocked the existence of this movie from out collective consciousness, relegating it to the distant nether-regions of vague recollection, sort of like that song, "What Do You Get a Wookie for Christmas When He Already Has a Comb?" Well, apparently you get him some porn or a hologram of Marcel Marceau.

I can sum up the entire Star Wars Holiday Special with a line from the film Aliens: "My mommy told me there's no such things as monsters, but there are, aren't there?"

Yes, Newt. Yes there are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[antoniseb.livejournal.com]

I have a dim recollection of this [or something like it] airing. I can say with some confidence that I saw the promos, but not the special.

Some years later there was an Ewoks special that also didn't rise above my threshold. In those dark days, I'd need to go someplace to watch TV.

[kestrell.livejournal.com]

Just a couple of days ago I heard the song "What Do You Get a Wookie for Christmas When He Already Owns a Comb?". I had my suspicions that it must have come from such a Christmas "special" but had no memory of it whatsoever (I read a lot as kid, barely noticed pop culture incidents). As far as wacky Christmas songs go, however, I think XMosh--a thrash version of the 12 Days of Christmas--was the coolest thing I have heard so far.

[metahacker.livejournal.com]

"What Do You Get a Wookie for Christmas When He Already Has a Comb?"

I have the music for it if you *really* to hear it again...

One of my first memories...

[cristovau.livejournal.com]

.. of recognizing crass exploitation. This was during the second year Star Wars was running at the local cinema and everyone wanted a piece of the action. I also remember seeing C3P0 and R2D2 at The Pops. As much as I loved the film, it was overdone sooooo much.